DEATH OF THE OLD COW
Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the back seat – in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur “You get out and check on that poor cow–you were driving.”
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, “You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there”
Two hours …
To help save the economy and see if a positive boost could be given to Obamas growing problems the Government will announce next month that the Department of immigration will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me… oh, shit… I’ll see you on the bus.
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replied, “That would be my wife.”
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel , and while he is on a tour of Jerusalem he has a fatal heart attack.
The undertaker tells the US diplomats: “You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100.”
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: “Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here …
You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he …
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you, too. Don’t laugh…. It is all true!Perks of reaching or being over 70, and heading towards 80 and beyond!1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run — Anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’
5. People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now will never wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without …
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel. ” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When …
Husbands for Sale: A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store …