*SIMPLE TRUTH 1:*
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
*SIMPLE TRUTH 2:*
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
But, none of them touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
*FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:*
Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name. If you …
1. *WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP???* AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence. *WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:* Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’ WHAT WAS PLAN B???* An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, …
You have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor’s offices on everything from tissues to note pads….
This one should get First prize…
I emailed this to my Japanese doctor friend; he emailed back:
“If light stay on more than 4 hour, call electrician.
(This make me raugh out roud)
SOME OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN ..
THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM.
RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING.
IT SHARPENS THOSE CELLS IN YOUR BRAIN
AND STALLS DEMENTIA FOR YEARS
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs …
The wife is back on the warpath again. I suggested
that we make a little sex tape … she was up for it …
until I suggested holding auditions. I just don’t understand
why she is so mad !!
DEATH OF THE OLD COW
Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road and a Limo driving late at night hits it head on and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the back seat – in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur “You get out and check on that poor cow–you were driving.”
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeared to be very old.
Well, says the woman, “You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there”
Two hours …
To help save the economy and see if a positive boost could be given to Obamas growing problems the Government will announce next month that the Department of immigration will start deporting seniors (instead of illegal’s) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me… oh, shit… I’ll see you on the bus.
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replied, “That would be my wife.”
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel , and while he is on a tour of Jerusalem he has a fatal heart attack.
The undertaker tells the US diplomats: “You can have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100.”
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: “Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here …
You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he …